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Further Adventures in the Land of the Lotus Eaters: The Dawning of 8-8-8
and the Invasion of the ORBs!

©2008 David Boyne

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On Friday, August 8, 2008, after I had spent nine hours of my Life inside an office, running on a metaphorical treadmill, and then spent another hour of my Life inside a gym, running on a mechanical treadmill, I got home.

I closed the door behind me. I heaved a big sigh. I said, “Gosh, but it’s great to be home!”

And I felt a sudden, transfixing, overwhelming, surge of… something.

I shot paint balls of words at that…something, hoping the multi-colored splatter would reveal its form. I felt restless, but at the same time, calm; in my bloodstream, the endorphins released by my workout at the gym were still dancing in a happy conga line. I felt bored, but at the same time, excited, as if a Happy Accident was very close. I also felt sad, elated, horny, distracted, and, to quote Huck Finn as he set off alone down the mighty Mississippi, powerful lonesome. I felt an irrational urge to open the door and run back outside, as if there was an earthquake happening and my one dumb thought was “Get outside!” Even if for no better reason than to give the falling palm trees, high-voltage cables, and roof tiles a shot at killing me.

Then.

I had a flashing flash of insight, in which I realized I was feeling the same feelings I used to feel every Friday when I got out of high school.

Then.

Another flashing flash of insight went off, in which I realized I could employ the same coping strategy I had developed in high school for these surges of… something.

I phoned a friend, Keri, and I said, “Let’s go drink beer!”

“I’d love to. But I promised to go an 8-8-8 thing.”

“You’re stuttering.”

“The eighth day of the eighth month of the eighth year of the century.”

“Oh my god it’s the end of the world as we know it!”

Keri said, “Idiot.” But then added, “Although, in a way, you’re correct. A lot of people think it is the end of the world as we know it, and the start of a New World, a new era in the history of man’s spiritual evolution.”

“You’ve been reading those pamphlets the nice ladies in brown print dresses, fake pearls, and clunky black shoes leave on your doorstep, haven’t you?”

“Shut up.”

I did, and Keri explained, “The Chinese consider 8-8-8 to be an extremely lucky and auspicious day. Many people have been waiting for today to get married, or to start businesses, or to—”

“Do we use the same calendar as the Chinese?”

“That’s not the point. I’m not really into this 8-8-8 thing, but a lot of people are. And since you don’t read newspapers or watch television and are utterly ignorant of what is going on in the wider world around you, you probably don’t know that the Olympics started today.”

I lied. “I knew that.”

“It’s on Moonlight Beach.”

“The Olympics?”

“Idiot.”

“I went to school before the No Child Left Behind laws.”

“The Olympics are in China,” Keri said. “The 8-8-8 thing is on Moonlight Beach. It’s open to everyone. Even you. Want to come?”

At this point, I exited the conversation, and mentally took a taxi to my decision-making laboratory housed in a nondescript warehouse in a derelict industrial section of Brooklyn…

Read the strange events and startling conclusion of Land of the Lotus Eaters, and 8 more hyper-personal essays, in the ebook, Happy Accidents!

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